Support Soars!

My mom ... I love her. For Christmas I had asked for a pair of new running shoes. She took me to Starting Block in Springfield, MO because she saw their ad on tv. I had never heard of this store before. When we went in, and I asked for some help.

Next thing I know, I am running barefoot on a treadmill while they figure my feet placement, arch, width, and leg running positions. Then they recorded me and streamlined it into the computer. In slow motion, I could see what my feet were doing. It was amazing. I could see how I was running. I could see how my running effected my ankles, my body. Then, based on that info, we tried on about 10 pairs of shoes, all in the category that the computer images represented was best for my running style. Slight prone, medium support. I was awed! I walked out, hearing from a women marathon runner, trained in such matters, that I had great running feet placement, and position, and all the things I did right, and all the things for me to work on to enhance my run. Was it inspiring or what!!! Thank you Jesus! Thank you mom for taking me there!

My man ... I love him. For Christmas, we had decided to spend no money on each other. We always celebrate our Christmas on Christmas Eve after the children are in bed. I had made him a present and give it to him. He had made me a present too.... If you have ever seen Forrest Gump, you know when Forrest is running over the US, the tee-shirt-happy-face man is inspired by Forrest and the 'Happy Face' logo is revolutionized. Well, my Brian believes I will help others want to run and move their bodies more as I get fit, lean and strong, so he made me a 'happy face' shirt, and wrote me the most inspiration letter ever! His support is apprecaited more than he knows.

My Brookie .. I love her. For Christmas she gave me a shirt that simply said.... Run

My Lindsey and my Faithe .. I love them ... They are helpful to me to give me opportunity and time to exercise and run and eat well...

Can not wait to break in those running shoes as soon as I feel well, and prepare for the Starting Block Resolution 5K on Jan 23 in Springfield Mo. I would like to run a 5K every other month until I am ready for a 10K.

Come run with me and we will 'Run, Forrest, Run'

Christmas ..... a lesson learned ...

Well, I learned a valuable lesson this Christmas. I still fight with temptation. And over Christmas Eve... it won.

My parents blessed Brian and me with a gift certificate to Big Cedar Lodge last Christmas. We still had not had opportunity to use it, so Brian surprised me and we took an impromptu trip to Branson on Tuesday the 23rd. Eating was ok. I had salad and soup for dinner, while Brian feasted on Big Cedar's famous menu. When the staff brought us gingerbread cookies to our cabin, I refused them. When Brian brought chocolates to the cabin, I had only two small peices. So all was going well. When we ate the next day, I chose good items from the menu ..

Then came Christmas Eve. I did well all day ... I was home finishing my wrapping, my cleaning, and decorating before my daughters and man arrived. I made snack foods for dinner and thought I could keep my paws clean. Little bbq smokies, meatball, veggie tray, cheese balls ... no big danger I thought. All of this food items I can take or leave. I told my family I was not making any desserts for Christmas Eve... Then, my 18 year old Lindsey made cookies ... for Santa ... Sugar cookies ... and well, I ate some. Too many. and felt miserable all night long. I had not had that much sugar in a long time, and I had just dealt with the virus, and I was sick!

Christmas morning is tradition for homemade waffles and fruits and sparkling grape juice. All sugar .. made me ill ... I was miserable. What was I thinking??

Christmas at mom's ... did better, turkey, beans, veggies ... and a piece of angel food cake. .. or two ... Stayed away from the pies, the breads, the potatoes ...but felt ick!

So today, the 29th, I still have not got back to the road of my work out schedule. I can feel it. Yesterday, I was hit with another virus. So I have not been eating every 4-5 hours. Have not wanted to eat at all. I have not exercised like I normally do. I am afraid to see the scale.

Come on ..Laurie .. start again ... stand back up ... you can do it ...

Virus interrupts diet

I was suppose to be finished with the crazy diet on the 23rd. But a virus given to me by my husband interrupted the diet plan. However, I did lose 6 pounds on the plan. Now I can eat meat and veggies except for potatoes and no breads. In a week we will add the potato and then in another week we will add the bread.

The virus knocked me around a bit and I lost a lot of energy that I would have rather found and used. I have not been sick in a long time. I know remember how glad I am to feel good.

Dec 20th, was our annual church Christmas play. Every year our church does a play the Sunday evening before Christmas, and our kids and youth are the main characters. Brian and I help with the play, so begin sick this weekend was not fun. However, after the play, our church has 'goodies' galore and yummy drinks. Temptation City! So, right after the play, I remained in the sanctuary cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Did not go to fellowship hall where the food was. and I am happy to report I did not eat the feast of sweets. ..... distraction was a good thing!

New Diet for two weeks ...

My trainer surprised me last week with a new diet. A ONLY 2 WEEK diet ...

No carbs .. none ... notta one .. for two weeks .... no loaded coffee, no veggies, no non-calorie sweetened thing either. No Crystal Light, no diet colas, nothing that even taste like sugar.

This diet is to last until the 23rd of December ...

So far, I have had eggs for breakfast. No biggie, as I was already having eggs for breakfast. Protein shake after I work out. He wanted me to have my protein shake with water ... GROSS!!! but instead I found an almond milk with >1 g carb per serving, so I am having that instead of water. It is good. Lunch is some hot tuna with melted swiss. It is good. And dinner, Brian is making me some good lean proteins.

5 days into the diet, lost 4 pounds. Is this water weight? I wonder. I do not think so, because I am still fully exercising. Maybe some, but clothes are loose. And three people commented on my neck begining smaller. So maybe, I lost 4 pounds in the neck.... ??? Bodies are weird!

We will see how the rest of the week goes ...

Rotation Jeans

I know every woman has a pair. You know the pair of jeans in her closet that when it comes up for rotation to wear, you look at it and think, "You gonna be tight today?" "Did the dryer shrink you more again?"

Well, I have this pair of jeans in my rotation that kicks my psychy every time. Until now! last week, I tried on the jeans to wear for the day, looking around for a pair of spankx, although I do not own any, and say to myself, "Ok, here we go ... One leg in ... good. Second leg in ... good.. Here is the real test .. over the fanny ... yep .. and now zip ...YES! I finally have room to breathe TOO!"

Rotation Jean is loose! This is a milestone! This is a new beginning!

So, I take off that pair of jeans and evaluate the jean schedule. Baggy jeans (and I had three pair that were too baggy ..Finally! ) are off to the consignment store. I try on two pair of the 'once fit me nicely but do not fit now (yet) jeans', and tried them on. Fit! Let me remind you four of these pair are the same size of jeans. According to the tag... but not according to the body. Then, in the way back of the closet, I found a pair I had long forgot about ... tried them on .. and yep, they fit too. So, four pair fit. Time to hit consignment stores for jeans.

Tried on jeans at the store, some fit, some did not. But all 16s are way to big. This makes me happy. Out of the 16s forever. Tried on about 6 pair of 14s. 4 fit. One fit 'well'. One was too big. Bought two pair and left with a smile. Getting closer to goal.

Swearing off anything with strings or elastic unless I am working out. This is disaster, like a free ticket to eat more portion than allowed. You all know what I mean. You are full quicker in a pair of jeans then ol' comfy sweats. Promise you!

First 5K ....

Well ... today, I did it! My trainer was so wise to prompt me. The support overwhelmed me. My family blessed me.

Because I do not live in Springfield, I had to be there between 6:15 and 7:15AM to pick up my packet. Because Thanksgiving was at my house this year, I had to get the turkey prepared and drive the hour and twenty minute drive. So I was up at 4:30 AM. ...

But I made it to Spfd, was blessed by some text messages, and a play list my middle daughter made for me in her IPOD. Got my number, went back to the car and got nerves flowing. There were 6000+ people there! It was crazy.

On the starting line up, they have markers set up ..... 6:00 .....8:00 .....10:00 ...12:00 and 'Dogs and Strollers' .. At first I did not know what these where. Then it was said over the speaker, pick your time not to mess with faster runners. I look for a 15 minute marker. None. I know I can do this in 15 minutes a mile. I do that at home. When none being found, I stand in the mass of people at 12:00.

It is cold. 32* outside. Windchill at 22*. I have never tried to run in air like this. and the wind was brutal!

8 AM ... here we go.. the mass of people goes to the starting point. I have a tracker board on my shoe so when I hit the starting mat, my time will start. We get closer and closer. Crossing the beginning mat, I start my watch, so I can track myself. and I start .... An even paced jog. I start to pass some people, and think, "I might be able to do this."

The mass is running down National Street and there are people of all varieties. Young, lean, fit. Old, lean, fit. Personal challenge women like me. Teenagers with cross-country high school shirts. Couples huffing and puffing. Kids running along side parents. Teams of people running in remembrance of someone special. This made me smile. The reasons of people doing this varied so greatly it inspired me. An 84 year old woman, looking about 58, is the oldest participant and gripps my heart.

The first mile was tough. Normally at home, I know my track, so I know how far I have went and how far I have to go. Here, there are no markers. I have no idea how far I am going. How can I pace myself? This will not be good for my psychy if I can not figure it out. So, I start thinking I will gauge by turns. Having never run this course before, the only thing I knew is that I had 5 turns. However, before we hit the first turn, I am running out of steam.

Then, I see mile marker 1. Look at the watch. 12 minutes. I do a watch double take. 12 MINUTES!! I think I can do this! I am well pleased for a 12 minute mile for my first time.

I have never trained with IPOD. My middle daughter Brookie, made me a play list on my youngest daughter's IPOD and placed it by my purse before she went to bed. The song play list was perfect. I did not listen to it, or look at song choices until I started. Mile one to two I had songs with beat and hit the pavement to that beat. This made it easier. THANK YOU BROOKE!

I had to stop to walk three times, but just a tiny bit. Just to breathe a tiny bit. My heart rate was 199 twice! If you read down on my blog, you know about the 190's heart rate!

I did not like people passing me, so I starting moving again. I was better about them passing me if I was jogging, than if I was just walking. I am sure it is a psychy thing.

I found two women a tiny bit ahead of me, that looked like me, that I began to follow. Overweight women. My size. One was running alone. I would pass her, she would pass me. I would pass her, she would pass me. She was in her 20's. I am closer to 40. She inspired me. She helped me pace.

One man and he little boy were running along side me and I heard him say, 'We are in the home stretch,' to his little guy. But I could not see the finish line. I saw a mass of people coming back towards me as if to find a loved one and finish with them. I thought we had to be close. We had passed the 2 Mile Marker, but I was afraid to look at the watch. I did not want to play with my mind if it was already 45 minutes and I was not finished yet!

I kept looking for the finish line. Could not see it. Kept on moving. Finally, last turn and it was right THERE! This made me a bit upset, because I was saving a last big push when I saw the finish line and it could not be seen.

However, the last 50 yards, I heard myself say, "You might just finish this.. and you never, have never, finished weight loss battle ...until now. You will finish it."

Let me see if I can describe my heart about the finish line ... Well, as I making time towards the final turn, the song that came on the IPOD was Motions, a song about living with some passion! This song has challenged me before, I know the song. I have cried through the song. I did not know the song was on the IPOD, but the Lord did. and His timing!

I crossed, a sea of people were there. All talking, all glowing. I crossed. I looked at my watch 40:50. I looked again. 40 minutes. 13:11 mile pace. I controlled tears, as I took of my foot time tracer thingy.

Then, I looked for a lone spot. Ahead of me was a quiet place, a no-people, part of the park. Tears falling. Thoughts of "Lord, I just did it." "Laurie, you really did do it." "God, I really did it.", flew through me.

Then the next song ... the last song ... a worship song flooded the IPOD and flooded my heart. I kneeled. I cried. And I gave my first 5K to the Lord, the One that Helped me.

Kneeling, crying, in prayer and song, I thanked Him for all the people.... My family. My heroes. My trainers. My friends. Rewound the song on the IPOD, and prayed some more. Cried some more. Praised some more.

He helped me. I love Him.


That is my story .. Here are my stats .. onlineraceresults.com

Bib Number - 1969
Overall place - 3568 out of 5458
Division place - (34-39 year-old females) 217 out of 352
Gender place - 1700 out of 2984 (yes, there were more females than males run this race)
Time - 40:50
Pace - 13:11

tomorrow it is ...

Well tomorrow is the first of the 5K runs for me ... Turkey Trot in Springfield, Missouri. Since August of this year, I have been strength training, cardio-ing my heart, and began to jog. 12 pounds down, and moving more, eating better and preparing for tomorrow ... the first of many 5K's for me I decided. I have not trained for running, but have trained my body, with the help from my trainers- Team Cole. A lean running champion told me that it was different to train to run than just to train my body. I have called him a few times to ask him about breathing and endurance while trying to run.

So, am I ready for tomorrow morning?? I do not know. I have never had to 'get ready' for something like this. I have read some books on what to expect. I have prayed. I have trotted the tracks in Lebanon. I have gotten started on my weight loss journey. Is that enough?? I guess we will see...

I will let you know how it goes ...

Training hard helps emotions

Last week, I had two stressful days facing me. The kind of day that makes your stomach flip flop!

I went to train with Tim, and stated to him, "Wear me out, so I have no fight left in me!" Knowing that if I left him worn, my emotions could not vent out like I was worried they would. He did. My heart soared. Stupid ROPE! My arms still ache. But it settled my emotions. In a healthy fashion. "Be angry and sin not," the Bible reads. The work out subdued the anger, flip flop of the stomach, and I dealt well with the day. I am learning more and more about the benefit of all this exercise. It amazes me.

Sunday, in the afternoon, I trained with Melissa, and stated the same to her, "Wear me down." So she set up an obstacle course. CRAZINESS!!! Who thinks of stuff like this?? I wanted to sing, "I am in the ARMY now." My heart soared. 190 ... But the heart recovers much faster than it ever did before.

Even if I have only lost 10 pounds, so far, knowing that my heart recovers so quick, which shows how healthy it is tickles me pink!! This means so much to me. I can soar to 190's, but recovery time is short and I can soar again. Go heart muscle go!!

Yesterday, I jogged for preparation for the Turkey Trot in the morning and kick boxed in the evening with Melissa. The heart would not have allowed that before. 740 calories burned yesterday. YEAH! And still came home, made dinner, did mom stuff and had energy. 15 weeks ago, I could not make it through a day. Now, I accomplish so much in a day .... exercise = good!

First 10 pounds gone!

Finally!! It has taken awhile ... but the first 10 pounds are gone! 48 pounds to go. It has taken a lot longer than I thought it would. Trainers give me all the 'reason-ings' : "Muscle weighs more." "You are stronger." "Your body shape is changing." All true reasons...

Last week, my man, said he would be unable to identify me if he was going on just 'feeling' the arms, because they have changed shape so much. On Sunday, my 'Millian' took a picture of my changed arms with her cell phone. If that comes up on Facebook .. I will ...well, I am not anywhere near as strong as she is .. but I will have a payback!

Got the metabolic results back last week. 1860 calories my body burns just by doing nothing. If I want to make goal weight before Brian takes me to Never Summer Mountains, next summer, I have to have a deficit of 650 calories a day. Now this week, I am plugging into their menu design for me. Let you know how that goes.

Turkey Trot is 16 days away..... I am not ready. I am trying to get ready. I am jogging, walking, jogging much more than ever ... but this body has never done anything like this before. It has been hard. I am going regardless and will go as far as I can. We will see.

The other day, I was jogging on the treadmill, and when the legs felt like logs and the heart rate soared, I kept speaking scriptures into my heart. 'I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me.' 'I can endure, Christ endured.' 'I will love the Lord God with my strength.' I think that is part of the mental strength I have never had. I am trying to allow the Lord to process my thoughts so I can endure. Sure, I have endured hard situations, more than I care for, but I have never pushed my physical body like I am now. NEVER.

The clothes are indeed looser. YEAH!!

me verses the tire ... victory!

Last night on Biggest Loser, 'Danny' made the comment, "I could have never done this on my own. I would never push myself this hard ever!"

I know exactly what he means. Exactly. For the past 20 years, on my own has got me nowhere.

Tim Cole and Melissa Cole Mack, they mean so much to me ..... and, as my mom says, "I love these people I have never met because of what they are helping you with."

Epiphany moment today. I knew it was rope day. When I awoke, I knew the rope was waiting. The rope knocks me around a lot, makes my heart rate soar, and causes me to NOT breathe. A rope!

Tim Cole, big-trainer-dude, has me starting with the rope. Just like last time: "Swing it this way." breathe. "Swing it that way." breathe. "Swing it up." breathe. "Swing it around.... No, like this." "Lift it off the ground and swing." breathe. "Lift it off the ground and swing this way." breathe.... 35 MINUTES of a ROPE! Yesterday was an arm strengthen day, so the rope today, is like OOUUCCHH!

While I was doing this one side-arm-rope-flingy-type-of-thing, I could not even see Tim, because I am parrellel with the rope, and I know the 'bounce' of the rope is not even getting to him waayy across the room. This is the weakest of all the rope exercises for me. So, I glance over, and HIS FOOT is on the rope, while he 'sips' on his water with vitamins ... MEN!

Anyway, after recovery, as I am gasping for air and the heart is like at 190..really it was .. here comes the tire... Tire and rope??? in the same day?? my least favorite things. Because it makes my heart soar, and when the heart soars, I am gasping. I do not like gasping! at all!

So, here I am 40 minutes into the workout and first I am pushing the tire to him while his pinky finger resist me. for like 45 seconds or something like that. The goal is for me to push against him. and move the tire to him. Through that 45 seconds or whatever amount of time it is, he is pushing against me and throwing me around. 3 sets of that .. I collapse! arms ache. breathing is desired. air, I need air!

Then it is time to FLIP the tire. Let me remind you that this is not a bicycle tire. Monster truck type of tire!! He sets the watch for one minute. "Let's see how many you can do in 1 minute," trainer-dude says.

14 - I flip it fourteen times. He counts, I flip. "Stop," he says, and I crumble. If the Polar watch beeping system was not on silent, I would be beeping so loud and clear that the hospital would have rushed over.

He leaves me there and heads to the office. In his hand is a peice of paper that has his HIGH SCHOOL GUYS' times of tire flips and whatever other torture Tim does to them. There I was, 37 year old overweight woman ... right next to the top!

"Make a new sheet Tim," I tell him, "and insert me and that I am 37 and overweight and a woman and getting stronger everyday." The teenage athlete boy ahead of me, Mr. Wrinkle, I am gunning for his flips of 15 in a minute. I want to yell at the next work out, "Bring out the tire, Tim." ...BUT, next time bring it before the rope, and before the tire fight with you ...

We still have abs to go before this workout was complete. But by this time, knowing that I am indeed stronger, Tim, the big-trainer-dude, could have asked me to do 1000 sit ups, and my emotion would have carried me ..(tim, if you read this ... please do not try this)

Strong. Fit. Lean. That has always been my goal. a 20 year goal. I thank the Lord, for my husband for support, and Tim Cole and Melissa Cole Mack for helping get to stronger. Today was a good day. I am STronger I am STROnger. I am STRONGER. Colorado Rocky Mountains, I am coming soon ....

Tomorrow ... metabolic testing day ...

Define Encouragement

So, with all the emotions that plagued me last week, I went a searching to the reason why. Wed night, I sat alone with my Bible, notebook, open heart and pencil.

Ready.. God .. Go!

What I learned was it is not encouragement that bothers me. David encouraged himself in the Lord, the Bible says. Construction workers encouraged gold smiths in building the temple. Moses encouraged Joshua. The word encouragement means ..according to Strongs #2388, to seize, be strong, strengthen, cure, help, fortify, lean upon... I let those words sink, sink real deep.

So if it not the encouragement that has my emotions upside down .... what could it be??

In my work-out with my Melissa on Friday, she helped me work myself out. I am not mad that people are clapping per say. I am more 'not-liking' the 'looking at me'. I already have shame about what I have done to my body, and what I have not done to my body. The last thing I want is more people to look at my body. I suppose I think I hide myself, when I am quick, oh so quick, to talk about the person standing before me than myself. In fact even if they ask how I am, I change the subject to talk more about them.

Unless it is Brian, a couple of friends, my mom, or my trainer team, weight issues are few and far between discussed. I would rather talk about ANYTHING in their world than the process of getting fit. strong. lean.

Do I need healing??? Looks like it ...

What I realized is that everyone needs encouragement to accomplish God's plan. Everyone needs to hear, "Keep going!" Or as Moses says, 'Be strong and courageous,' to Joshua. In the new testament, Barnabas' (Paul's side kick for awhile) name is defined as 'Son of Encouragement.'

I need to realize that I can not hide or erase what I have become. Heal and move forward. I can only replace the horrible habits I have placed in my life. I can replace. God will redeem. I will pray. God will answer. God says yes to healthy living. God says yes to treat our bodies right. God says yes to strength. And I want to love Him with all my strength... and each little bit I gain .. I give for His service. To love Him. To serve Him.

This week, on Thursday, I meet with my trainer for a metabolic test at the hospital. We are going to see what the deal is with my body. Until then, I meet everyday with my trainers, sweating, and sweating, and sweating ...

oh yeah ... thinking that I need less wheat .. or no wheat ... will share later the discovery ..

Support and Emotions

Many years ago at my heaviest weight I attempted to walk Ha Ha Tonka's 319 stairs Spring Trail to the castle. It got the best of me. Winded me. Knocked me flat.

Saturday, I climbed those stairs ... and could have done it again. My emotions overwhelmed me a bit. I was pleased. Although, my weight is not falling down scale-wise as fast I would hope, my strength is soaring. I choose strength. I want lean. fit. strong ..

My trainer, Tim, tells me I have a great support center in Brian and my girls. He is correct. I do. They inspire me and help me.

This week, a sweet friend of mine, created a 'laurie bennett team' group on her Facebook. Support from my friends caught me off guard and caused me to swell with emotion. Why, I wondered? Why, oh, why?

I have a great man, sweet girls, wonderful friends, encouraging parents, family, and yet, when the focus is on me, I do not, and I mean DO NOT, handle that well. I do not like my birthday celebrations. I would rather plan a party for someone else. I would rather buy someone's dinner than them to buy mine. I am pleased to be the giver at Christmas, and not the receiver.

Maybe that is why the weight is still hanging around?? With weight I can hide? With weight I can escape attention? No, that can not be it ... Because, I do not want to hide. I want to minster, give, love, share, teach, others. You do not do that through hiding. My mom, my friend Tammy, my friend Melissa all think I have some heart healing to do. Probably. Don't we all? Jesus is continually healing my heart, body, soul. Continually reviving my spirit. I love Jesus.

As I figure out this .... whatever emotional trigger this is ...this why...... to why I am a basket case about cheer to me .. I will let you know .. if you know why.. please comment!

Today's training session brought the rope back. YES, the rope. Heart rate soared to 188! From a rope! But, it was better this go around than last week. My trainer, Tim, is good ... great .. He is just where he needs to be. I learn sooo much from him and his sister. God led me to a great path. I am thankful.

Stronger yet...

Knowing that Melissa was going kill my legs to day, I was glad for the mile over for the week.

She works me hard, but what I realized today is that I am starting to keep up. After a series of punch combination, her eyes were thinking I needed a break, and I did not! I kept on going!

But, when we moved to leg stuff.. I felt like I was carrying logs for legs. Ya know what she had me doing ... jumping on and off some lifted board step thingy. over and over.

I have had three daughters, all natural deliveries.... jumping of any sort does not work well for the bladder. I warned her of this on the first days, when she started with jumping jacks. LEAKAGE! might occur. no matter the keigel exercise.. leakage might occur...

But jumping this time, this day, was not leakage-scary. Perhaps that muscle also is improving. YEAH! for the nightlife too!

546 calories burned according to the Polar Watch.

When I walked in the house tonight ... the cheat treat was made by my Brooke. We got online to see how many calories a chocolate chip cookie is ...

perhaps tomorrow if the legs are working, I will hike HaHa Tonka in Camdenton.

1 MILE!

It has been raining and raining here all week.

Thursday, instead of getting to walk at Harke Park, I went to the Civic Center treadmills.

I know tomorrow Melissa was instructed to 'kill the legs' ... so today I planned to run/jog for distance. Let me just see how far I can go.

I walked .25 of a mile to warm up .. and then cranked the treadmill up and jogged. and jogged. and jogged. when I got to one mile, I knew I had .25 left to jog the whole mile ... so I kept going. I jogged the whole mile....!!! One whole mile. and then walked another 1/2 mile. So the treadmill read 1.75 mile. and I was thrilled that one mile of that I was jogging. I think I could have stayed longer, but I had to pick up Faithe from class. So, I got off with a smile. and 295 calories off!

One mile down ... a 5K to go ... I am thinking the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day. it is a 5K at 8 AM.

Learning to Cheat

All this time, I have been giving Tim my food diary and we tweek it. (did I tell you I was at 7 pounds OFF)

many times, I am not eating enough calories, he says. I have decided this week to give him what I am going to eat, rather than what I have already eaten. Good plan he says!

Tim is teaching me to have a cheat treat. One cheat meal a week. This is starting to come easier to me. Last week I craved a cinnamon roll for like EVER. So, the Bennett clan agreed Sunday morning before church, we would have cinnamon rolls. That was it. My only cheat. Brian and I had our Sunday, before church, coffee time and cinnamon roll.

Sunday night we had buffet night for our Worship leader's 40th birthday, and I did not graze. I ate well. God is helping me to this thing! I could have waited and used it as my cheat meal, but I really craved the cinnamon roll. So, I made a choice and did it!

At the Bennett house, we also have cut out eating out. We pack lunch and snack and it all. This has helped a lot, but takes so much time!! I just did not realize how much time it took. I am cooking healthy. Something I have wanted to learn for 20 years. I read books on how to cook well. The Bennett family is in the middle of a lifestyle change.... we are going to do it.

Today, my Faithe asked me what we should cheat with this weekend. She said she was craving chocolate chip cookies. My Brooke, 15, agreed. So, on Friday night, during a Bennett card game night, we will have chocolate chip cookies and milk!

I am telling you, we used to eat sugar, carb, junk of some sort every day. Soda. Ice cream, and it was Blue Bell ice cream! Cereals. Breads. Rolls with dinner. Fast food lunches and dinner. We were EASILY eating out 4-6 times a week. NO MORE.

I am learning. I am doing it. God is helping me to love Him with strength. I am going to climb that mountain next summer. I am going to do it.

Week 11 - Warehouse

Have lost 7 pounds!! Tim tells me the pounds will reach the weeks I have been training. Lots of people tell me they can see I am losing. The jeans are loser in the legs .. but the butt and gut are holding on ... let go already!!

Tim Cole, my trainer, is opening a bigger gym. The Warehouse, he named it.

When he told me he was opening a new bigger gym, I was nervous. Size 2 women running around in cute little outfits ... scares me ..

But I realize that all the women Tim trains now .. are real .. lean. strong. fit. My goals. The women he trains now, are focused on the same goals I have. lean. strong. fit. There are no 'Fame' leotards running around. No fear. Open your Warehouse, TIM!

In opening his new Warehouse, he is buying new 'TOYS'. Did I tell you, that last week, we went outside, and I threw an 8 pound medicine ball fore ward, side ways, granny style, over my head, and every which way he told me. 160 TIMES! 160 TIMES. Who thinks of stuff like this! Arms ached. Arms tired ...

And an iron cross sit up... ouch!

Today, he brought in the rope ... yes, THE ROPE, like the one you have seen on Biggest Loser. The rope that is long and HEAVY.

Today, Tim stretches the rope. I stand on one end. Him on the other. "Jump up, Laurie, and fling the rope to me....20 times." Breathe. "another 20." Breathe. "another 20." My heart rate soars to 187. FROM A ROPE! "Now do it like this," he says, as he flings me side ways at the other end. I try ... ouch, this is going to hurt. "20 times." Breathe. "another 20." Breathe. "another 20." I must tell you ... when I get to 12, I do not even think the rope is reaching him on the other side. Feeling weak! NOW, another way?? "Now do it like this," as he does it with one arm on the side. "20 times." Breathe. "another 20." Breathe. "another 20." then we do some ab work and some medicine ball work. I can not breathe. 627 CALORIES today!

Welcome to the rope, Laurie!

ps .. when I asked him how many times he flings it .. 50 at a time ..

I Zumba ....

My cousin Jen, has told me that she went to a Zumba class. What is Zumba? I laugh at her and tell her I want to see her wear the costume when she Zumbas. I think of the National Geographic shows of African dance. Zumba has not made it to Lebanon I tell her...

...until now.

Today at 9 AM I went to Zumba. The class was small. The leader Zumba girl was small, young and cute. I know her from a restaurant she works at in out town. This was her 3 time to lead. I like her. She is a sweet gal.

I set my Polar Watch, and say to her, 'let's see how high the heart rate jumps.'

I love dance. I have always loved dance. My fat fanny, butt and gut does not look great dancing, but I love it. So I thought I would love Zumba.

After an hour, I did not burn what I normally burn in a cario class with the Cardio Queen Melissa. I did not have the heart rate jump I have with Melissa. No intensity. I did burn 489 calories, and it was different. and I liked it. But I know I would have liked it much better if it was with more energy, louder music, more in the class, and with my cardio queen.

I took Faithe to her swimming training today. I did not swim with her, but her stroke form is so improving. You go, you little Bennett chic!

I close this week with almost 6 hours of intense workout ... Sunday is rest day!

2 a day .. week 10

I am feeling so much stronger that I ask Tim, my trainer-dude, if I can do some two a day work outs. His only hesitation is that I make it a 'want-to' work out.. not a mental .. 'have-to' work out.

So Tuesday, after I work out with Tim, I swim with Faithe. Her swimming is sooo improving. She is doing great. I swim for 35 minutes straight. I do not wear my Polar Watch, so I can not gauge work out. I hit the car .. tired and wet ...

Wednesdays are normally leg days. 612 calorie day. So there was no two-a-day. When the legs are so tired, I leave them to rest. Tim tells me to have recovery days.

But today, with Melissa, my work out was 614 calories and I was tired. We have moved our Saturdays to Fridays. So Thur and Sat are my day alone to work out. It has worked well for both of us. I am keeping up, but the heart rate is still HIGH and LONG.... I know I am getting stronger!

Saturday morning Tim tells me there is a Zumba class at another gym in town. I should try it. I have been telling them I want a class that dances. I like to dance. the music in my kick boxing class keeps me in rhythm.

So tomorrow I Zumba!

I run .. sort of!

This week was work out city! Between my 2 cardio killer days with Melissa (465 calories and 642 calories) and my 2 strength train weight days with Tim, my trainer-dude, who had me a 515 calories and 451 calories ... and I still ran (jog) on Saturday, after a 3 mile walk on Thursday.

For the first time ... I try the jog thing ...

Tim stated that I should run at Harke Park. A beautiful park that Mr. Harke built and donated to Lebanon. It has a 1/2 mile asphalt track and play area for children.

So Saturday, before I go and meet some friends for dinner, I hit the park. Scared? yes. Manly I was scared of facing my weakness again and again. So I walk to the first bench. Jog to the second bench. Walk to the third bench and Jog to the fourth bench. One mile down. One more to go. This time I run farther than 1/4 at a time ... Still feel weak. Still can not believe I can not run one mile. But, I am not quitting ... ( and I did not sit on any bench!) then I hit my favorite coffee place .. not for a 400+ coffee, but for a whey protein smoothie with strawberries and skim milk, from the cutest little coffee gal ( my 18 year old daughter best friend) and met my friends.

Week 9 / 2992 calories

This week and these workouts were so good this week! Focus has been intense.

I kick box with the class, 465 calories in 45 minutes. I am keeping up .. except for abs!

I train with Tim on Tuesday, 451 calories...weight train arms and chest...

Wednesday, I wake up to a beep on my cell phone. I have a text from my 'Millian'. remember, I call my Melissa Cole Mack, Millian because Melissa + Jillian = 'Millian' ...

Her texts: what time do you work out today?

My Text: I work out with Tim at 8 ...

Her Text: Surprise..... you work out with me instead .. is that ok?

My text: Sure!

I put the phone down and look at my man.... "I have to mentally prepare to work out with Melissa. She kills me. I was not planning NOT to breathe today."

I love my Melissa time. Love it. But I know I can not breathe the whole time I work out with her. She is bouncy. She is energy. She is TIGGER from Pooh Bear. She reaches my 187 heart rate and I can not breathe there.

I pop in at 8. She takes me outside .. we sprint. we sprint again. we run backwards. forewards. sideways. sprint. again. I can not breathe. We come in and punch, punch, punch! "Don't you just love this," she asks? I do not answer. I can not answer. I can not breathe. We go back outside and spring more. 642 Calories later ... I leave ready for bed! and it is only 9 AM. I still have a whole day of work in front of me.

Grab the protein shake out the door and think ... note to self: should have not answered the text. Of course, I do not mean that. But wow, she works me OUT!

1750 Calories

My oldest turned 18 yesterday. My father-in-law had colon cancer surgery yesterday.

My emotions are all over the chart. Roller Coaster ride. Did not mean to, but I took the weekend off from training. I thought I could fit it in. Thought I would get up earlier, or after the hospital visit, or before birthday ring shopping with Lindsey. But nope. Heavy heart made for tired body.

My watch says I burned 1750 calories this week in my 4 days of working out. I skipped my 'on-your-own' days due to family stuff.

I have learned that working out, walking, and training, helps me so much with clarity in my mind. I have learned that even though there are days, I do not want to be out of breath, sweaty, and pushed, that if I will do it, my mind is clearer to respond as I need to. I think better. I am not fogged as before.

So even though this past weekend had me up and down and all around. I have not been that full of emotion in such a long while, I was still focused and stronger than before... and I did not turn to food. I turned to Jesus. YEAH!

I will love Him with all my strength. That day is coming! (see verse Deut 6:5)

I also am learning, that while this consumes me still, I am learning to make it a life style.

There will always be days, weeks, circumstances that press, push, and pull me. Always. I can not stop because ... God's strength will strengthen me, to gain my strength and be able to stand.

He is good. His mercy endures forever.

My father-in-law has a road ahead. But there is a light, a hope. My sweet, sweet, 18 year old, has transitioned to adulthood. There is a light. a hope. I am old enough to have an adult daughter. tears fall... love swells .. I will buy her a ring tomorrow to celebrate. She wants a sapphire with diamonds.

'Lets start to RUN'

I am down 5 pounds ... week 8. Shirts are so much looser. Jeans not so much. One back roll gone!

So while working out with Tim and all his crazy, 'Tim-Designed-Exercises', he says to me, "What do you think about running a 5K?"

HUH? Are you talking to me? Still fat girl here! Remember me? Laurie Bennett? The girl who crashed 14 days ago? (see previous post)

I think what I like most about Tim, among many things, is that he knows what he is doing. He knows weakness and knows strength. He is a fence builder I tell him. He knows what boundaries to have and how to operate within them. He is good at his job. He knows how to pace me. He also is a superb example. He practices what he is teaching. He knows when to spark me.

We talk about it the whole workout. I left, he adjusts the weight and he talks. We change what I am doing in my 'alone' workout days. One day I will walk for fat-burning day. Walking a long way and get in the stage where my watch does not beep. 110-137 heart rate range.

The other 'laurie trains alone' day, I will interval train day. Walk a minute, run a minute. and build up.

I am game. He has known how to pace me so far. Let's try.

376 calories on arm/chest day.. 459 calories on leg weight day.

burning..burning..burning..keep that fat a burning...

I can not turn the beeping off!

Tonight was kick boxing with my new Polar F6 watch. I was excited to see what it does!

Within 10 minutes of kickin away ... my watch beeps and beeps .. I can not and do not know how to turn it off. So, there I am with 20 or so women beeping and beeping. Melissa, even says outloud, "we have a watch beeping..."

35 minutes my watch beeps! for everyone to hear! Now, I know everyone can SEE how overweight I am... but for them to have to HEAR how out of shape I am in too.... embarrassing!

Directly after class, she teaches me how to turn off the alarm!

47 minutes . 430 calories! 35% fat! LOVE this watch! encourages me to go go go.

The only bad part of this watch is now I have my trainers on my wrist! at all times! At the end of the week the watch will tell them if I worked out on my 2 days of training by myself. and how long and how intense.

Could you imagine carrying Bob and Jillian with you 24/7 ????

Polar Watch F6 -- LOVE IT

Yesterday was my birthday. 37. I trained today with Melissa/'Millian'. I appreciate her. She keeps leading me to the fitness world were I am learning so much.

She introduced me to the Polar Watch. I have been researching them online. The Heart Monitor System can track my heart rate / calorie count / workout time / and store them for me for future review.

I found some retailers in St Louis, so my husband took me there to find one for my birthday. My parents gave me $100 gift card, and I planned to use it for the watch.

Sports Authority in St Louis, had the watch on sale for $99. Perfect! I bought it. and some work out clothes and sports bras and swimsuit for my new swimmer, Faithe, and fitness stuff. Had it been softball season, my Brooke, 15, would have cleaned house there. She is a softball player!! She is so fit, like her dad. Her arms are solid. We visited some other outdoor stores to look at hiking stuff because you know I am hiking in 2010 the Never Summer Mountains in CO!

So, today, I put on my watch and work out clothes after church and met with Melissa/Millian to train. We set up the watch for my body weight and such and away we went.

187!! my heart rate soared to 187! no wonder I could not breathe! stayed at 187 forever!

Now the Polar Watch has an alarm on it. so when I am over my target heart rate it beeps at me.

within 10 minutes I am beeping and beeping and beeping. She is pushing me along this work out and I am so out of breath, I just push my wrist in her face and say, "It is BEEPING at you!!"

"Laurie," her reply, "the beep does not bother me, I know how to turn the alarm off. Keep moving. Punch it out."

yeah, I am going to punch something alright! !!

When the workout it over, and I need a stretcher, I look at the watch 580 calories burned! 580 calories. How encouraging . Yep, I like this watch .... Go Polar

becoming a fit family!

Week 7 workouts were so much better. I was ready. I was good. I hit that weight, and walked, and worked!

I am flipping that tire. over and over! Tim timed me today, I am faster, stronger. Then he had me do some exercise that he created. Now, I know he has a Masters Degree in this ... but where he learned some of these exercises is beyond me.

My hamstrings are worn today and stretched. That is good. I have been trying to get this one exercise form down correctly for the past three weeks. I knew my form was wrong because the targeted muscle was not 'feeling' it nearly like it should. He has me hold the bar, with weights, in front of me, and swoop the fanny outward without bending the knee. My fanny is already swooped outward! I ate it that way ... today I got the exercise though ... or it got me .. which ever, and am sore a bit.

The littlest Bennett girl, our daughter Faithe, 11, started swim training today. It seems that she wants her sport as well. The area swim team begins competition in early spring 2010, but Faithe is in prep work now. She asked to get stroke help and get trained.

This is a big deal for me. Being a mom, I want the best for out three girls. I want to train correctly. 'Train the child in the way he should go,' the Bible says.

My daughters are old enough 18, 15, 11. that I know I have passed some of my terrible eating habits to them. It breaks my heart to think I have caused to them struggle with themselves or not treating their body correctly.

However, when I see them, start to themselves want better for themselves, in spite of me, I glow with joy.

So Faithe trains with her swimming coach today. and swims, and swims, and swims .. and loves it. And then Faithe knows to eat a healthy protein afterward to revive her body.

I am thankful to the Lord for hope and for taking what I did not intend to teach the girls and make it for good ...

Week 7

The scale is moving down a bit. Got my first comment from someone that I had not seen in a while about "Laurie, have you lost weight." and it is only Monday! good bye week 6!

Week 6 -- conquered me ... Week 7 .. brighter.

It is my birthday week. I turn 37 on Saturday. 37 is my favorite number. It means 'Word of God'.

There is no kick boxing this week because it is labor day today. I am going to walk.

My focus has returned. My mind is clearer. YEAH!

We will see what this week brings...

Whoa horses ....

Tim, trainer-dude, was so helpful during this 'roller coaster of Laurie-ness'.

I did work out with Tim on Tuesday and Wednesday. He talked a lot, I listened more. I pulled the weights, he gave me advice and training. Here is what we decided .... Thursday, I would take a slow walk .. no more ... Friday, and rest. I would eat whatever I wanted when I went to dinner with my cousins/girlfriends. Saturday, I would not work out with Melissa/Millian' but would rest. Sunday, I would rest more. Monday I would kick box.

Well the rest proved two things. I needed a rest. and if I am not working out, I eat way off my charted list!

Eating ..... my nemesis ..... now, granted my eating has improved 90% since training started. For sure. I am not a binge-r. anymore. But permission to cheat ... and I am going to cheat...

Saturday, went to a Cardinals baseball game with my man, and our daughter and her guy. Cheated. Funnel Cake .... 1/2 ... Brian and I split it. BLT for dinner at a cute little local sandwich place by the stadium. Soft drink ... Peanuts or two or three ...

Cardinals lost and I overate.

And then I overate on Sunday too. After church, my husband Brian made his homemade chicken nachos so we could watch the Chief preseason football game. Chiefs lost ...again and I overate .. Now, to defend my self, or justify, or reason, or whatever, I did not eat nearly what I normally would have eaten. No way. But was it Trainer approved? Probably not.

Thank goodness tomorrow is Monday!

rock bottom

Last night was kick boxing. I was dreading it all day. Not sure how I would do after Saturday's break down at the gym ...

Did not do good. The work out was good, but I felt so fatigued. Could not concentrate. Could not flow. Could not function.

Left there, drove straight to Tim, trainer-dude's desk, in tears. 'HELP me ... I am slipping!!!!'

In his office I looked on his book shelves .. all books about training athletes. No books on fat girl struggle. He looked at my frantic face, unsure what to do and said come back in the morning and we will discuss this. Regular work out time. 8 AM.

Went by the library, searching for a book. I am normally the first to reach for my bible to find my hope, I had already poured over pages looking for what the Lord says. "You will run and not faint." Isaiah 40. " "Self Control brings perseverance" Corinthians. Paul wrote, "Grace is sufficient for you in your weakness." The scriptures poured through my head. I was searching for something that read like ....'this is what you do when you are about to give up on your plan ...'

What I picked up was Lance Armstrong's book. Brought it home.

However, when I got home, we had no water as the well pump was busted and so at 8 PM, I took the girls and drove back into town to stay with mom and dad for the night.

I talked to dad and mom about where I was. They encouraged. refreshed.

Read the Lance Armstrong chapter on mind games..... could identify greatly. Felt a huge sigh come out of me ... and then tomorrow 8 AM, I felt that my inspiration from the Bible and my identification with my mind game, I could work out.

and I did.

I fall ... I am ready to give up.

Last night, was cooler than most nights. I pulled out some jeans that I have not had on since early this year. TIGHT. They are tight. Not good. I feel frumpy. Week six and the jeans from last winter are tight. My physc-y in not taking this well.

Today at noon, was work out day with Melissa, (my Millian, my trainer-dude's sister).

Today, I crashed.

I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. I swallowed hard again. I blink. I hate my weakness.

During ab work, reaching 20 crunches, the ab pain is there. and so are the tears. Here they come.

She stops me and gets eye level. Compassion in her eyes. Fear in mine. I just cry. and cry. and cry. I am weak today. I am not doing this well. This is not working. The scale is not moving. I cry more and more.

Tim, the trainer-dude comes from his office, and has empathy to me. Encourages me to keep going.

We go on. We move to leg work. Step up, step down. Step up and step down. Then she pulls out the stop watch. "Let's time this." ... I no more get one set done and the tears flow again. My legs are worn. I am tired. I am exhausted. I want to give up. First time in this new work out adventure, I am ready to cave.

Tim comes again from his office and sits by me. I feel weak again! All the excuses come pouring out of me. All my justifications are voiced. All my reasons are explained.

He is not surprised. I did not catch him off guard. Week Six . Week six does this to people. Week six is the valley week. I did not know any of this. He sits by me and explains week six and how this is all normal. Tells me that I will look back on this day and reflect where I have come from. He encouraged me, his sister was comforting me. I was ready to flee! I hate my weakness. I hate what he and his sister just witnessed from me.

I leave the gym, get into the car and call my man. Tears again. He was out of town. Would not be home for a couple of hours. My daughters were all gone for the afternoon too. I went straight to bed. Came into the house and went straight to the bed..... cried .... cried .. cried myself to sleep. Slept 4 hours. straight. Woke up to Brian looking over me and then listening to my day and drying more of my tears.

Sunday is tomorrow and I rest. Monday at 4 .. is kick boxing. I have to pull myself together before then...

Week Six -- falling backward

My workouts with Tim, my Trainer-dude, have been really hard this week. I am worn out. I am tired. I am sore. I have been sore for 6 whole weeks. I feel my mind messing with me.

I complete both training days, one day arms extreme and next, legs so much I can not move. My eating is ok, not perfect, but so much better. Sleeping is ok. Not great, because I wake up in the middle of the night sore, but ok.

It is not a good week. Could be my cycle. I have wacked out cycles. Weight related. I cycle every six weeks or so, and flow HEAVY. But my cycle is almost over and I am still so tired, I can not function.

Tim says I have had a good workout both days. Why do I feel icky??

Week Six ! the test

Week Six. 2 pounds off. tired weary.

Started kick boxing this week. Kickboxing with my 'Millian' and her class. Tim, my trainer-dude, said I was ready. So, I have two days with him lifting weights. One day of kickboxing in 'Millian's' class and one day with 'Millian' getting my heart rate as high as she can for as long as she can. Two days of walking on my own, one day of rest.

I was very nervous about this kickboxing. Remember, this weight issue is FRAGILE for me. Too fragile. I showed up. Found my place in the back row. and watched the clock. 45 minutes .... would I make it??

Arms I could do. Sure they were in pain, ached and fatigued, but I moved them.

Then came the quad workout. I promise you, she had us standing on one foot for EVER. The other foot was lifting to the front, knee raises, back kick, round house, and for 100 sets of 8. Well, maybe not 100 sets, but so many sets my quad was not holding this fat fanny much longer.

Yeah, she moves to the other quad... wait, did I say, yeah.. I meant, thank goodness that other quad could now move, while the weak one tried to hold me all. After another 100 sets, we moved to ab work.

'Millian' could not look at me through the work out. She one time, looked and corrected me leg stance with her eyes. Looks at my eyes, looks at her toes, and then looks at my toes. point outward. kill the inner thigh. squat. squat again. and again and again ...100 sets

KICKBOXING was KICKING my butt, and not donkey style either (see previous post).

45 minutes later, I could not move. But I some-what finished. I was still scared. I saw one cute red head, fit. lean. strong. , in front of me that was sweating so bad that her legs looked like oil one inch thick was plastered to her legs.

Fun..... I remind myself, I have paid for 6 weeks.

Brian's birthday .

My husband's birthday is today. Tim, trainer-dude asked me if I wanted to take the day off and reschedule my workout with Melissa...oops I mean Millian.

"No, I want to work out. If Brian is ok with it, I want to honor this commitment to myself," I say. Brian is great with it .. he sleeps in.

So, we work out. Melissa has me kicking some donkey kick. I really think that she thinks of things to tape secretly and give them to Funniest Home Videos. One foot goes in one band, while hanging far up from the floor. Another foot in another band. Hands go on the floor. and KICK! and KICK! KICK LIKE A DONKEY!

And I am PAYING for this ...

Brian and I went on a road trip for his birthday. It was so much fun. However, in my effort not to eat fast food and eat from a real restaurant, I starved my man. This road trip through the middle of Missouri was without gas station and restaurant for HOURS. When we did find a Mexican place, and ordered, I slipped off to the little girls room. During the 3 minutes I was gone, our food was brought out and Brian had devoured his and started on mine. (the parts he knew I would not eat)

We ended up in St Genevieve, Missouri and walked and walked around the downtown. We both are used book junkies and scope out a town for used book stores. It was a great birthday celebration even if I was a donkey for a bit!

Week 5

Begin week 5 today. It is going good. Scale is not moving, but strength is strengthening. More push ups than last week.

Tim Cole, my trainer dude, prepares this band thing over this huge bar for me. I just watch and recover from the last exercise and then he tells me. "Do a pull up!" A PULL UP? I am 36 year old over weight wimpy girl and he thinks I am going to do a pull up. This should be fun.

Then he puts my knee in the biggest rubber band thing and says, "Pull. Pull again." No pull up, pulling up. So he puts something under the foot that can not reach the ground and says, "Jump, and do the pull up."

I DID IT. One PULL UP ..... will the held of the HUGE rubber band AND the jump from the stool under my feet and the bounce of the jump.

Leaving with my yummy whey protein shake in hand, I call my man Brian, and say, I did a PULL UP. (I leave out the part about the band and stool)

Saturdays with 'Millian'

For the past few Saturdays, my Millian's, (Melissa + BL Jillian) goal is to keep my heart rate as high as she can for as long as she can. She has her Polar Watch F6 on and gauges about my heart rate .. yeah right. ..

So, gasping for air, I chase her all around the room. Punching up the room, kicking her back down the room. Running and punching up the room, kicking and gasping down the room. Again and again until I am out of breath. When I can not breathe she allows for me to catch up with OXYGEN and here we go again.

"Don't you just love this," she yells? I can not answer, I can not breathe.

I like these Saturdays. I like the rush AFTERWARD, but the 'during', I think I am going to crash....die...cry. I feel the fattest, on these days. I feel the weakest, on these days. I do not like how I feel during the work out, but afterward .... I know I have done the body good.

What I also like is that she keeps introducing me to the fit. lean. strong. world I am wanting to reside in. She is inspiration to me. Her energy is abounding. Her smile assists me.

One hour flies with her. Calories burned. Muscles moved. Lungs recover. "See you Monday", I say, as I limp out.

Eating out

So in my mind, I am thinking that since I am ordering "Grilled Harvest Chicken Salad, with ice water, and honey mustard on the side, please" ... I am doing great! I mean I really want what I normally have, and all the goodies that come with it. But my varieties of grilled chicken salad have lots of SALT and hidden calories. Who knew?

I have been eating them since day one. AND we eat out a lot. No because I won't cook. But because we live 30 minutes from our town that hold all our kids activities. So after drum practice and before church on Wed night, we are eating out. Thursday while at classes all day, we eat out. Friday night we eat out. Sunday, we eat out. and so on and so on. Hidden salt, hidden calories ... scale not budging much.

Which brings me to a funny story about my Millian trainer girl. She and I are holding some push up pose, FOREVER. While we are both just holding it she asks about my eating. I tell her chicken salads and VERY FEW of them were crispy chicken salads. She fell out of pose, crashed to the ground and said, "LAURIE, no fried foods EVER." My reply, "I did not know one or two would hurt." Then she went on and on about oils and fats and all that. Ok, I got it. Fried foods = not trainer approved.

I think I can .. I think I can ...

The scale moved down one pound. Yep, I find myself getting on it once a week.... still. Habit? Measuring tool? Looking for it to speak to me my success??

I have come to realize that Tim, the trainer-dude, is really good at his job. Had he told me the first week that

• a.) I would have been to sore to sleep
• b.) be a girl that flips a HUGE tire
• c.) start hard cardio

I would have laughed and cried. Laughed because I would have never imagined it. Cried because it overwhelms me.

Week four begins. Pull up. Iron Cross. Kickboxing class (with other women.... strong. fit. lean women)

That is what he added on week 4.
Modified pull ups ( pull-up with band around me for added support)
Make the abs cry, iron cross crunch
and signed me up for a kickboxing class. (for those of you counting -- that is 4 workouts a week - two cardio - two strength training.)

I am still looking at him with the "hello? do you not remember who I am? Laurie Bennett here, weak-one, cry-baby, 69 pounds overweight girl!" look when he states to me what I am going to do. and I still manage to do what I asks... or at least try!

bouncing push up?? come on! mountain climbers?? seriously? 200 crunches??

Today he had me raising my legs about 6 inches and then raising them three feet and holding it for 60 seconds up and then 60 down. So I was doing it with my eyes closed because it was HARD!. After 60 seconds he would say down .. which meant that my legs where to float 4-6 inches above the floor. As I was holding it there, eyes closed, he came and put a weight on my legs and left it there and walked off saying, "Do not let that ball fall!" I open my eyes, crunch up and see sure enough a weighted ball on my ankles. ABS are dying. Legs are tire. and I sit there thinking .. 'who thinks of this stuff.'

Moans ... more louder moans .. moaning ... groaning .... 'ok, release' I lay there and breathe. I kid you not, next second I hear, "up." and here came the ball ....again ...

then my 60 minutes is over ... and I realize ... I might be able to do this ...

Return to Trainer-Dude

Week Three:

Two workouts with trainer dude and two workouts with the sister, I now call her Millian (Melissa + Jillian (Biggest Loser) = Millain) ...

Week three begins.. scale not moved. Still sore. Real sore. Food journal reviewed by Tim. (Trainer-dude's real name) He advises to new/better/healthier food choices. How to change my current diet. How to add health.

This week Tim tells me we are adding cardio ... and if interested I can train with him 2 days a week and Saturdays with Millain. So, week three we are at 3 work outs a week. Two weight train, 1 cardio.

Week three we add new exercises. Tim has me flip a tire. Yes I tire. I told you that this was no typical gym. I call it a 'man's gym', but see lots and lots of women. strong. lean. fit. So, the tire is huge. Huge! Bigger than monster-truck style. I flip. 10 flips. rest. 10 flips. rest. 10 flips. want to lay down and rest. Can not breathe. Heart pounding.

Next, I swear to you, that he puts a band around me and I pull the BIG-TRAINER-DUDE, until I can not breathe. My quads are on fire! FIRE!

Hello? Laurie Bennett here!! 70 pounds overweight! weak girl! cry-baby! Did you forget?

I pull him, then I pull him again, and yet again. I can not move after. Trainer-dude smiles.

One hour later and I hear myself think .... 'girlfriend, you moved a HUGE, HUGEST tire....30 times'

Then I had to call my man ... I have not told you much about my man. High school sweethearts. Married for over 18 years. I adore him. Love, Love, LOVE him. Like him most days. He owns his own business (co-own with his younger brother) and I do the books. He supports me. He watches me ride the weight loss roller coasters and never, ever, ever, has condemned. He is my support system. However, this is the same man that eats EVERYTHING, and stays a 32. He eats everything! and anything. He lets me ride the roller coaster and claps for me when I need him to clap. He eats the new diet plan (although I am sure he eats what he wants when at work). He cooks way better than me. He can COOK! We have three girls. He is a good man ... most days :) He is a manly man. Avid bowhunter, fishes, baseball player, camps, construction type of man. He spends every fall in the woods as much as his business will allow with his Hoyt bow, "the other woman".

He smiles at me. He makes me feel like I can do this .. maybe ... it is still too early to tell..

Week three ... gaining ground. changing mindsets ...

Saturday with Millian ... yep, she kills me again ... In fact, as I am pounding away with some punch, she looks at me and says, "don't you just love this?"

Does she not know, I can not talk, because I can not breathe?? Hello? Love this? I am not thinking if I love this.. I am thinking, 'Can I survive this?' I realize something about this experiment. ... it is a process .. a process .. and I have to let the process work itself out in me ..

"I am not thinking about liking this .. I am thinking about letting this work," I tell her.

I am liking spending the time with her. Even if I can not breathe. She lets me see into a woman that is lean. strong, fit.

Week three... finished... as Sunday is rest day and cheat meal day!

Trainer #2

Trainer-dude has to go buy equipment, and has set me up with his sister, the FB friend I contacted to set me up.

Cario with the sister.

Tuesday I arrive and she is bouncy and ready for me. She has just finished her kick boxing class and I watch the same women I saw last week, with her. Strong, Fit, Lean. The women talk and wonder out and I stare at the sister.

I am so nervous. Sister, graduated with my man, 19 years ago. We have not talked to her since. We went to high school together. I do not know her well, but we share friends.

She, too, is sensitive to my sensitivity and that comforts me.

Her brother, my trainer-dude, has a Master degree in whatever field you call training someone in. I know this because I looked him up well on the internet. His degree is from a great school that specializes in this kind of thing .. Her brother left her with instructions on what to do with me. I learn that she is finishing her training certification. I learn that she teaches exercises classes. We talk about common friends and then .... we begin ...

"Get the heart rate up as high as you can get it for as long as you can get it." that is what he tells her, when talking about me....

And did she ever. I gasped for oxygen. air, I need air.... stair steps, kick boxing, stair steps, punches, punching bag, stairs, punching, punches, punch her, run and punch her, run, kick, stairs...... I CAN NOT BREATHE!

Did I tell you that she did the whole work out with me! with me? Not in front of me, just counting me down .. She worked out right along side me. She had just finished kick boxing for an hour, and her she was working out with me.

She was great. She worked me. I felt so embarrassed. I was shame. I faced myself again. and weakness overtook me. What had I let my heart become??

One hour later. I was wet. Tired. Worn.

I go home. school. and nap. I have never been so sore and tired. NEVER.

Too sore to work out ...

There is a step outside the gym. My trainer-dude smiles as I attempt to climb it with no rail. I hobble in at 8 AM and trainer-dude is with a class of athletes. I watch while he finishes with them.

My mind beats me up. I see his class. Women. Women I know. From child-hood. Again, my mind beats me up.

I see them ...... Fit. Lean. Strong.

Those words have not described me since I was 18. Now 36.

Trainer-dude waits for them to leave. All of them. He knows my sensitivity. Hands me a kettle bell #1.

Seriously??

Trainer-dude: "You sore?"

Laurie: "Funny! You are funny. You want me to do kettle bells again today? Less than 48 hours since you tore every muscle? I am Laurie Bennett. Remember Tuesday??? Cry-baby-girl. Pass-out-girl! Throw-up-girl? Can-not-walk-today girl??"

I swing the kettle....Ouucchhhh! I swing again. Swing 10 more. Rest. Swing. Swing 10 more. Rest. Wow, I think, it does not hurt as bad. The pain is going away. This might be ok.

No black outs today. No throw up today. No tears.

One hour over, and I did it! YEAH for me!

Trainer-dude: "have a protein shake after your work out today, and I will see you next Tuesday.

I go home, teach the girls their school, and crash in a nap .... a long nap ....

I wake up ... sore again ... too sore again ... here we go again sore again ...

Then I can not move....

It was not 24 hours later and I have to use two hands to get off the toilet!!

My legs are not walking right. My arms ache. I lay in bed and ache so bad, I can not sleep or MOVE.

I lay in bed and talk to myself. 'No pain. No gain.' 'It is good to be sore.' 'Day one is over.' WHATEVER!!!

I get up. Ouch. Ouch. Ibuprofen. Where are you? There is one step at my house, I stare at it. I can not step. I can not move. Zombie-like walking.

My husband wants to help. Wants to rub me down. No, no, no! Please do not touch. Ouch. My man, muscle man, contractor, size 32, 175 pound man, smiles at me. Kisses me on the forehead, says, "have a good day. Keep going."

Trainer-dude told me to rest today...... Yeah, like I can do anything else?? I can not move!

I teach the girls. from a chair. I move as little as possible .... knowing that tomorrow at 8 AM my muscles are going to have to move again......

to sore to sleep .... what have I got myself into?? I think I need another doctor's opinion .. this is madness..

Day One: Laurie Meets a Weight.

I did not sleep at all last night. Nerves. Shame. Fear. Weakness. Facing Myself.

Tuesday 8AM : Introduction: "Let's see were you are."

I know were I am .. .a .... weak .. 208 pounds ... size 16W ... cry baby!!

"We will start with kettle bells." What in the world is a kettle bell? He hands me kettle bell # 1 and shows me how to swing it. I swing it up and down and all around. I swing it to the side, now other side, in the middle, between my legs, with knees bent, with arms bent. My heart was racing, and the room was going black. I kid you not!

I had to sit down, face gone pale, white, ..... eyes were unable to focus. I rest. and rest more. shame of what I had let myself become had over taken me. tears ... unstoppable tears ... embarrassment ..

Trainer guy is good, lets me let it out and then asks me to do push ups ... he pushes me right through myself. No stopping me. (I think for one moment -- 'trainer-dude, you are what I need -- push me through me -- and not let me excuse myself out of it')

Push Ups -- 5 - I can do 5... F-I-V-E! That is it! I face my weakness as I look to the ground. More tears ...

Trainer-Guy : "Our goal is to get you where you can do anything physically you want to do."

Laurie: "I thought our goal was 70 pounds??"

Trainer-Guy: smiles and moves me back to kettle bells.

Back to kettle bells .. and getting the heart rate up ... Not sure it had been that high. EVER. I get sick. Yep, NBC's biggest loser type of sick! The show I used to watch through dinner, was in my mind as I remembered all new contestants be sick.

Thoughts of weakness, embarrassment, frustration at self, overtook my mind, my focus ....

Thinking this was the longest hour of my life, I move to ab work. Crunches .. I can crunch.. well, not long ....

an hour is over ... I am shamed. Not by trainer dude, but by my thoughts.

As I walk out the door, I hand him a check...realizing that I am paying for my own pain .. and he says .. "start a food journal .. I want to see it next time."

Week One

The phone call ...

looking for the where to begin. I pray.

On Facebook I see a friend of a friend post about her work out. She is not a current FB friend of mine. But, I brave up post to her. "Can I bother you?," I say, "I need a trainer. You FB a lot about your workouts. Where do you go? Who do you recommend?" Then I beg her not to tell my story to anyone. I have shame. This is the most sensitive area of my life. and the doctor requires I hit it sraight on. I spill my guts to her. --- she gives me the name of a guy she knows ...

I walk into his gym. I meet her brother, my new trainer. Yep, he is big. 'trainer-looking' type of guy. 10 years younger than me. I give him all my excuses, my reasons, my justifications. I say, "My doctor says I have to train for one whole year. I am 70 pounds overweight. I am medically well enough she says."

While I am crying and spilling my stroy, I see no treadmills. No bikes. No purple and pink bouncy balls. No stair climbers. No ab machines. No scales.

I DO see lots and lots weights. dumb bells. chains hanging off of dumb bells. yep, chains. "WHAT have I got myself into?"

I leave with fear and a starting date. Here we go .... pray, Laurie, pray ..

Journey with me ...

It is said that the average American women is size 14-16. Yep. I am average. I might even be above average!

I do not want to be average. If average means dealing, handling, coping, with the following symptoms ..

• scale movements from 140...230...185...211...173...208... in 18 years ..
  
• facial fair growing faster than my man's!
• wacked-out periods
• exhaustion ... I do not mean tired, I mean falling asleep waiting for a green light ..
• fatigue ... too tired to breathe ..
• frustration with self
• crying ...sobbing ... blubbering ... over anything and everything ...

If this is average, I want no part.

Now, don't mishear me, I am not looking at the scale and for the scale's safety wanting it to be lower in number. I want to feel GOOD. I want to live the life the Bible verse John 10:11. Life. No bounds. No chains. No regrets. Real. True. Alive.

The date July 2009. I take my symptoms to my doctor. Begging for help. Direction. A Reason. Desperate .... Yes, I was desperate.

Her solution? ??? She says, "All your test results are great. I see nothing medically wrong. So, Laurie, I want you to strength train for one whole year. Then let's see were you are."

Me?? You want me to rely on me? Do you know me? I have a track record for failure in this area. Then ... I cry ... I have already tried me... I fail me ....

Give me a pill. A cure. A reason. Sympathy. Anything, But please do not make me rely on me. You want me to journey AGAIN down the road that has led to dead end for me every time?


So, when my doctor tells me to try again, I cry. For two weeks I cry. Cry. Pray. Journal. Deny. Cry. Pray again. Eat. Think. Sob.

Then, my husband says ...."Your prescription is to strength train .... put yourself in the trainer's hands and go through the process."

I cry again .... I pray for bravery ... courage ... help... I plead ...

Then I say, "OK, 'let the experiment begin.'"