I fall ... I am ready to give up.

Last night, was cooler than most nights. I pulled out some jeans that I have not had on since early this year. TIGHT. They are tight. Not good. I feel frumpy. Week six and the jeans from last winter are tight. My physc-y in not taking this well.

Today at noon, was work out day with Melissa, (my Millian, my trainer-dude's sister).

Today, I crashed.

I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. I swallowed hard again. I blink. I hate my weakness.

During ab work, reaching 20 crunches, the ab pain is there. and so are the tears. Here they come.

She stops me and gets eye level. Compassion in her eyes. Fear in mine. I just cry. and cry. and cry. I am weak today. I am not doing this well. This is not working. The scale is not moving. I cry more and more.

Tim, the trainer-dude comes from his office, and has empathy to me. Encourages me to keep going.

We go on. We move to leg work. Step up, step down. Step up and step down. Then she pulls out the stop watch. "Let's time this." ... I no more get one set done and the tears flow again. My legs are worn. I am tired. I am exhausted. I want to give up. First time in this new work out adventure, I am ready to cave.

Tim comes again from his office and sits by me. I feel weak again! All the excuses come pouring out of me. All my justifications are voiced. All my reasons are explained.

He is not surprised. I did not catch him off guard. Week Six . Week six does this to people. Week six is the valley week. I did not know any of this. He sits by me and explains week six and how this is all normal. Tells me that I will look back on this day and reflect where I have come from. He encouraged me, his sister was comforting me. I was ready to flee! I hate my weakness. I hate what he and his sister just witnessed from me.

I leave the gym, get into the car and call my man. Tears again. He was out of town. Would not be home for a couple of hours. My daughters were all gone for the afternoon too. I went straight to bed. Came into the house and went straight to the bed..... cried .... cried .. cried myself to sleep. Slept 4 hours. straight. Woke up to Brian looking over me and then listening to my day and drying more of my tears.

Sunday is tomorrow and I rest. Monday at 4 .. is kick boxing. I have to pull myself together before then...

Week Six -- falling backward

My workouts with Tim, my Trainer-dude, have been really hard this week. I am worn out. I am tired. I am sore. I have been sore for 6 whole weeks. I feel my mind messing with me.

I complete both training days, one day arms extreme and next, legs so much I can not move. My eating is ok, not perfect, but so much better. Sleeping is ok. Not great, because I wake up in the middle of the night sore, but ok.

It is not a good week. Could be my cycle. I have wacked out cycles. Weight related. I cycle every six weeks or so, and flow HEAVY. But my cycle is almost over and I am still so tired, I can not function.

Tim says I have had a good workout both days. Why do I feel icky??

Week Six ! the test

Week Six. 2 pounds off. tired weary.

Started kick boxing this week. Kickboxing with my 'Millian' and her class. Tim, my trainer-dude, said I was ready. So, I have two days with him lifting weights. One day of kickboxing in 'Millian's' class and one day with 'Millian' getting my heart rate as high as she can for as long as she can. Two days of walking on my own, one day of rest.

I was very nervous about this kickboxing. Remember, this weight issue is FRAGILE for me. Too fragile. I showed up. Found my place in the back row. and watched the clock. 45 minutes .... would I make it??

Arms I could do. Sure they were in pain, ached and fatigued, but I moved them.

Then came the quad workout. I promise you, she had us standing on one foot for EVER. The other foot was lifting to the front, knee raises, back kick, round house, and for 100 sets of 8. Well, maybe not 100 sets, but so many sets my quad was not holding this fat fanny much longer.

Yeah, she moves to the other quad... wait, did I say, yeah.. I meant, thank goodness that other quad could now move, while the weak one tried to hold me all. After another 100 sets, we moved to ab work.

'Millian' could not look at me through the work out. She one time, looked and corrected me leg stance with her eyes. Looks at my eyes, looks at her toes, and then looks at my toes. point outward. kill the inner thigh. squat. squat again. and again and again ...100 sets

KICKBOXING was KICKING my butt, and not donkey style either (see previous post).

45 minutes later, I could not move. But I some-what finished. I was still scared. I saw one cute red head, fit. lean. strong. , in front of me that was sweating so bad that her legs looked like oil one inch thick was plastered to her legs.

Fun..... I remind myself, I have paid for 6 weeks.

Brian's birthday .

My husband's birthday is today. Tim, trainer-dude asked me if I wanted to take the day off and reschedule my workout with Melissa...oops I mean Millian.

"No, I want to work out. If Brian is ok with it, I want to honor this commitment to myself," I say. Brian is great with it .. he sleeps in.

So, we work out. Melissa has me kicking some donkey kick. I really think that she thinks of things to tape secretly and give them to Funniest Home Videos. One foot goes in one band, while hanging far up from the floor. Another foot in another band. Hands go on the floor. and KICK! and KICK! KICK LIKE A DONKEY!

And I am PAYING for this ...

Brian and I went on a road trip for his birthday. It was so much fun. However, in my effort not to eat fast food and eat from a real restaurant, I starved my man. This road trip through the middle of Missouri was without gas station and restaurant for HOURS. When we did find a Mexican place, and ordered, I slipped off to the little girls room. During the 3 minutes I was gone, our food was brought out and Brian had devoured his and started on mine. (the parts he knew I would not eat)

We ended up in St Genevieve, Missouri and walked and walked around the downtown. We both are used book junkies and scope out a town for used book stores. It was a great birthday celebration even if I was a donkey for a bit!

Week 5

Begin week 5 today. It is going good. Scale is not moving, but strength is strengthening. More push ups than last week.

Tim Cole, my trainer dude, prepares this band thing over this huge bar for me. I just watch and recover from the last exercise and then he tells me. "Do a pull up!" A PULL UP? I am 36 year old over weight wimpy girl and he thinks I am going to do a pull up. This should be fun.

Then he puts my knee in the biggest rubber band thing and says, "Pull. Pull again." No pull up, pulling up. So he puts something under the foot that can not reach the ground and says, "Jump, and do the pull up."

I DID IT. One PULL UP ..... will the held of the HUGE rubber band AND the jump from the stool under my feet and the bounce of the jump.

Leaving with my yummy whey protein shake in hand, I call my man Brian, and say, I did a PULL UP. (I leave out the part about the band and stool)

Saturdays with 'Millian'

For the past few Saturdays, my Millian's, (Melissa + BL Jillian) goal is to keep my heart rate as high as she can for as long as she can. She has her Polar Watch F6 on and gauges about my heart rate .. yeah right. ..

So, gasping for air, I chase her all around the room. Punching up the room, kicking her back down the room. Running and punching up the room, kicking and gasping down the room. Again and again until I am out of breath. When I can not breathe she allows for me to catch up with OXYGEN and here we go again.

"Don't you just love this," she yells? I can not answer, I can not breathe.

I like these Saturdays. I like the rush AFTERWARD, but the 'during', I think I am going to crash....die...cry. I feel the fattest, on these days. I feel the weakest, on these days. I do not like how I feel during the work out, but afterward .... I know I have done the body good.

What I also like is that she keeps introducing me to the fit. lean. strong. world I am wanting to reside in. She is inspiration to me. Her energy is abounding. Her smile assists me.

One hour flies with her. Calories burned. Muscles moved. Lungs recover. "See you Monday", I say, as I limp out.

Eating out

So in my mind, I am thinking that since I am ordering "Grilled Harvest Chicken Salad, with ice water, and honey mustard on the side, please" ... I am doing great! I mean I really want what I normally have, and all the goodies that come with it. But my varieties of grilled chicken salad have lots of SALT and hidden calories. Who knew?

I have been eating them since day one. AND we eat out a lot. No because I won't cook. But because we live 30 minutes from our town that hold all our kids activities. So after drum practice and before church on Wed night, we are eating out. Thursday while at classes all day, we eat out. Friday night we eat out. Sunday, we eat out. and so on and so on. Hidden salt, hidden calories ... scale not budging much.

Which brings me to a funny story about my Millian trainer girl. She and I are holding some push up pose, FOREVER. While we are both just holding it she asks about my eating. I tell her chicken salads and VERY FEW of them were crispy chicken salads. She fell out of pose, crashed to the ground and said, "LAURIE, no fried foods EVER." My reply, "I did not know one or two would hurt." Then she went on and on about oils and fats and all that. Ok, I got it. Fried foods = not trainer approved.

I think I can .. I think I can ...

The scale moved down one pound. Yep, I find myself getting on it once a week.... still. Habit? Measuring tool? Looking for it to speak to me my success??

I have come to realize that Tim, the trainer-dude, is really good at his job. Had he told me the first week that

• a.) I would have been to sore to sleep
• b.) be a girl that flips a HUGE tire
• c.) start hard cardio

I would have laughed and cried. Laughed because I would have never imagined it. Cried because it overwhelms me.

Week four begins. Pull up. Iron Cross. Kickboxing class (with other women.... strong. fit. lean women)

That is what he added on week 4.
Modified pull ups ( pull-up with band around me for added support)
Make the abs cry, iron cross crunch
and signed me up for a kickboxing class. (for those of you counting -- that is 4 workouts a week - two cardio - two strength training.)

I am still looking at him with the "hello? do you not remember who I am? Laurie Bennett here, weak-one, cry-baby, 69 pounds overweight girl!" look when he states to me what I am going to do. and I still manage to do what I asks... or at least try!

bouncing push up?? come on! mountain climbers?? seriously? 200 crunches??

Today he had me raising my legs about 6 inches and then raising them three feet and holding it for 60 seconds up and then 60 down. So I was doing it with my eyes closed because it was HARD!. After 60 seconds he would say down .. which meant that my legs where to float 4-6 inches above the floor. As I was holding it there, eyes closed, he came and put a weight on my legs and left it there and walked off saying, "Do not let that ball fall!" I open my eyes, crunch up and see sure enough a weighted ball on my ankles. ABS are dying. Legs are tire. and I sit there thinking .. 'who thinks of this stuff.'

Moans ... more louder moans .. moaning ... groaning .... 'ok, release' I lay there and breathe. I kid you not, next second I hear, "up." and here came the ball ....again ...

then my 60 minutes is over ... and I realize ... I might be able to do this ...

Return to Trainer-Dude

Week Three:

Two workouts with trainer dude and two workouts with the sister, I now call her Millian (Melissa + Jillian (Biggest Loser) = Millain) ...

Week three begins.. scale not moved. Still sore. Real sore. Food journal reviewed by Tim. (Trainer-dude's real name) He advises to new/better/healthier food choices. How to change my current diet. How to add health.

This week Tim tells me we are adding cardio ... and if interested I can train with him 2 days a week and Saturdays with Millain. So, week three we are at 3 work outs a week. Two weight train, 1 cardio.

Week three we add new exercises. Tim has me flip a tire. Yes I tire. I told you that this was no typical gym. I call it a 'man's gym', but see lots and lots of women. strong. lean. fit. So, the tire is huge. Huge! Bigger than monster-truck style. I flip. 10 flips. rest. 10 flips. rest. 10 flips. want to lay down and rest. Can not breathe. Heart pounding.

Next, I swear to you, that he puts a band around me and I pull the BIG-TRAINER-DUDE, until I can not breathe. My quads are on fire! FIRE!

Hello? Laurie Bennett here!! 70 pounds overweight! weak girl! cry-baby! Did you forget?

I pull him, then I pull him again, and yet again. I can not move after. Trainer-dude smiles.

One hour later and I hear myself think .... 'girlfriend, you moved a HUGE, HUGEST tire....30 times'

Then I had to call my man ... I have not told you much about my man. High school sweethearts. Married for over 18 years. I adore him. Love, Love, LOVE him. Like him most days. He owns his own business (co-own with his younger brother) and I do the books. He supports me. He watches me ride the weight loss roller coasters and never, ever, ever, has condemned. He is my support system. However, this is the same man that eats EVERYTHING, and stays a 32. He eats everything! and anything. He lets me ride the roller coaster and claps for me when I need him to clap. He eats the new diet plan (although I am sure he eats what he wants when at work). He cooks way better than me. He can COOK! We have three girls. He is a good man ... most days :) He is a manly man. Avid bowhunter, fishes, baseball player, camps, construction type of man. He spends every fall in the woods as much as his business will allow with his Hoyt bow, "the other woman".

He smiles at me. He makes me feel like I can do this .. maybe ... it is still too early to tell..

Week three ... gaining ground. changing mindsets ...

Saturday with Millian ... yep, she kills me again ... In fact, as I am pounding away with some punch, she looks at me and says, "don't you just love this?"

Does she not know, I can not talk, because I can not breathe?? Hello? Love this? I am not thinking if I love this.. I am thinking, 'Can I survive this?' I realize something about this experiment. ... it is a process .. a process .. and I have to let the process work itself out in me ..

"I am not thinking about liking this .. I am thinking about letting this work," I tell her.

I am liking spending the time with her. Even if I can not breathe. She lets me see into a woman that is lean. strong, fit.

Week three... finished... as Sunday is rest day and cheat meal day!