Day One: Laurie Meets a Weight.

I did not sleep at all last night. Nerves. Shame. Fear. Weakness. Facing Myself.

Tuesday 8AM : Introduction: "Let's see were you are."

I know were I am .. .a .... weak .. 208 pounds ... size 16W ... cry baby!!

"We will start with kettle bells." What in the world is a kettle bell? He hands me kettle bell # 1 and shows me how to swing it. I swing it up and down and all around. I swing it to the side, now other side, in the middle, between my legs, with knees bent, with arms bent. My heart was racing, and the room was going black. I kid you not!

I had to sit down, face gone pale, white, ..... eyes were unable to focus. I rest. and rest more. shame of what I had let myself become had over taken me. tears ... unstoppable tears ... embarrassment ..

Trainer guy is good, lets me let it out and then asks me to do push ups ... he pushes me right through myself. No stopping me. (I think for one moment -- 'trainer-dude, you are what I need -- push me through me -- and not let me excuse myself out of it')

Push Ups -- 5 - I can do 5... F-I-V-E! That is it! I face my weakness as I look to the ground. More tears ...

Trainer-Guy : "Our goal is to get you where you can do anything physically you want to do."

Laurie: "I thought our goal was 70 pounds??"

Trainer-Guy: smiles and moves me back to kettle bells.

Back to kettle bells .. and getting the heart rate up ... Not sure it had been that high. EVER. I get sick. Yep, NBC's biggest loser type of sick! The show I used to watch through dinner, was in my mind as I remembered all new contestants be sick.

Thoughts of weakness, embarrassment, frustration at self, overtook my mind, my focus ....

Thinking this was the longest hour of my life, I move to ab work. Crunches .. I can crunch.. well, not long ....

an hour is over ... I am shamed. Not by trainer dude, but by my thoughts.

As I walk out the door, I hand him a check...realizing that I am paying for my own pain .. and he says .. "start a food journal .. I want to see it next time."